Movie Review: Fast Five (starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and The Rock)

So what can I say about this movie?  It's terrible, but in an awesome way.  Or it's awesome, but in a terrible way.  I guess the best way to put it is this: when you go to Chuck E. Cheese, you don't expect to eat prime sirloin.  So as long as you go into the movie expecting it to be what it is, then it comes through - big time.  Just a warning: I'm going to talk about the plot a little bit, and I'm not going to put in Spoiler Alerts each time because, if it's possible to spoil this plot for you, you probably haven't seen a movie ever in your life (hint: it's predictable).

Here's the gist of the plot (stop me if you've heard it before): Diesel is a convicted felon (but a lovable convicted felon), and Walker is his old nemesis who is now dating (married to?) his sister. They steal some cars, go to Brazil (why Brazil? who knows!), steal some more cars, drive really fast, get in fights, drive even faster, and take down the evil overlord of Rio - by planning to steal his safe full of money.  Of course, this requires the fastest driving of all.  Oh yeah, Diesel took acting lessons from Batman - his voice is so low and hoarse that most of his lines come out like sounding like Mumbles from Dick Tracy (I know, mixed metaphors are bad).

I could probably write forever about this movie, but to be succinct, I'm going to break it down into the FIVE most ridiculous scenes.

1.  Cliff Diving:  While escaping with stolen cars (these guys are felons, remember), our heroes drive off a cliff approximately 3 miles high.  No problem - there's a river at the bottom of the canyon so they just get out of their seat belts and pretend they're cliff diving, landing softly in the water.

2.  The Rock:  Everything about his is ridiculous about him in this movie (which means he's awesome). He's as muscled up as his WWE days and either has a sweating problem or they continually hosed him with oil and most of his lines could be delivered by Ivan Drago.

3.  Safe Pulling:  There's an extended scene where a massive safe is pulled by cars. Let's just say Terminator 3 was more realistic than this whole scene (that's not a compliment, Vin).

4.  Vin Diesel's height: In one scene he looks The Rock in the eyes (Rock is 6' 4"), then in other scenes he's not close to as tall as Paul Walker (listed at 6' 1").  Is it embarrassing to film a scene standing on a box?

5.  Inconsistent US Law Enforcement: In one scene, the Rock and his troops are confronted by dozens of thugs with drawn weapons. Of course, he calmly pulls out his pistol and a mean look and the thugs all back down.  BUT in another scene, he bursts in with drawn weapons and when Diesel's friends draw theirs ("This is BRAZIL!!!") the Rock backs his troops down.  So confusing.  What kind of training are these fake federal agents getting these days?

There's so much more ridiculosity - in fact, it's almost as much fun to talk about it as watch it just for the wild scenes.  And it seems like this is a viable movie franchise that could make 10 more movies - they've moved beyond racing movies and crafted a heist franchise, kind of a poor man's Ocean's Eleven.  They may be terrible and dumb but they're just so awesome!

So what did you think?  Are you looking forward to Fast 6: Lubbock Dirt Roads?  Did it need more cars? more fighting?